Cowboy Sanctuary (The Dixon Ranch) Page 15

  I held out my hand to help her into the oversized shower, then joined her. “If you’re in pain, then I’m not overreacting. I want you to feel good, not hurt.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Cross My Heart

  Dana

  Brock took care of me like I was an invalid, and while that would usually be a turn-off, I found it adorable. Making love to him had been the most incredible thing I’d ever done in my life. Every touch of his hand and other parts had been magical, and even the slight pain of being introduced to lovemaking wasn’t the horrible thing I’d imagined. My sister had cried all night the first time she’d had sex, and I had no idea why now.

  It wasn’t just the pleasure of his touch, but the way he looked at me. We were so in tune with each other. It was everything. I knew I’d never forget the emotion in his eyes or the masculine fragrance of his cologne, and most definitely the way my body fell apart under his hands. I’d never known I was capable of feeling so much at once. Then, out of nowhere, while he was washing my hair, the tears came. I wasn’t sad—if anything, it was exactly the opposite. We’d just shared the most incredible bond between a man and a woman, and it felt like coming home.

  As he rinsed the suds away, his beautiful smile fell away and a look of concern filled his soulful brown eyes before he pulled me into his arms. “Tell me how to fix this, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I swear I’ll never do it again. Cross my heart.”

  Even now he was cherishing me in a way that I didn’t deserve. Now I was sad. It wasn’t because of what we’d shared—that would go down in my heart as the most beautiful night of my life. I was being forced to leave him. I couldn’t speak, only cling to him and wish the entire world would slip away so we could stay right here, locked in time until the world stopped spinning. It wasn’t fair! I had the most perfect man in the world, and fate was going to rip us away from each other.

  He turned off the shower, grabbed an oversized towel, then came back to me. He dried me off like I was the most valuable person in the world, which didn’t help the depression that was sinking into my soul, drowning me in heartache when I should have been enjoying this beautiful memory with him.

  As he dried himself off, he looked like I’d gut-punched him, and that’s not what this night should have ended on. I felt like a horrible person. “Don’t move, OK? I’ll be right back,” he said.

  I don’t think I could have taken a step if my life depended on it. He returned wearing a pair of boxer shorts and carrying a large T-shirt. I let him slip it over my head as misery consumed me.

  He apologized over and over, and I couldn’t find the words to tell him he’d done nothing wrong. Words wouldn’t come, and even if they had, what could I have said to him? I was walking out of his life because it was the only way to keep him safe.

  He picked me up in his arms, took me back to my room, and put me in the bed before joining me. Jeremy was still sound asleep in his crib, and I rested with Brock holding me so tightly I could barely breathe. It didn’t matter. Nothing did. I knew what I had to do, and he’d hate me for it. I think the thought of him hating me was even worse than the agony of knowing I had to leave him behind. Hours later, when exhaustion had overtaken him, I slipped away, dressing quickly and giving myself a few minutes to look down on him. I stole a loving glance across the room at my nephew before making the only choice I could.

  I left everything I had behind in that room, and it had nothing to do with personal possessions. Those could easily be replaced. My heart? I wasn’t sure it would ever heal from this. As I drove down that old dirt road that I’d rolled my eyes at when I’d first arrived here, I wanted to turn back the other way. Run back into the arms of my cowboy and pray he could be the sanctuary my soul had always longed for. This wasn’t a fairy tale. Staying would destroy everything I loved. With tears blinding my vision, I drove to the hotel thirty minutes away. It felt like a two-day trip.

  Time was moving in slow motion. Maybe this was how it had to be to give me the time I needed to accept that part of my life was over. God, it hurt. My stomach tightened in knots, and I felt the beginning of a migraine coming on. I’d never had one before, but I was sure this is what it felt like. Offering myself to Derrick was going to kill everything good inside me. It was like making a deal with the devil, but somehow I think a demon would have granted me more sympathy.

  When I finally walked through that door, Derrick looked like he wanted to kill me. His feelings didn’t concern me, even though he was screaming at me for moving before his schedule. I doubt he knew how close I was to becoming a crazy psycho and picking up something to stab him in the heart with. I let him rant, waited until he took a breath, then pointed my finger in his chest while I let all my rage free.

  “You know what? I can take my ass back there right now and make sure you never see me or Jeremy again, not that I think you give a shit about him,” I shouted. “I’m sick of this place, of this way of life, and if you’re not willing to give me what I want, then go screw yourself!” It was what needed to be said, not how I felt, but it destroyed another part of me I’d never be able to get back. I was so angry that I didn’t know how to deal with it.

  “Shit, Dana. Calm your tits. I had a few things I wanted to work out before we did this. I get it. Hell, being here makes me itch for civilization myself. We’ll drive back to Chicago after I sign custody over.” Derrick was such a piece of crap. I knew he’d never cared about Jeremy, but hearing him say it made me want to kill him. Yes, it was wrong, and no, I didn’t care! My life was ruined because of him.

  “Don’t be stupid. We have to wait on the paternity test before you can do that. We can’t go back to Chicago yet either. I need to make sure that man doesn’t come looking for me, and until he’s got the kid legally, he’ll try. I’ve been in his company long enough, so until this is over, I want to be somewhere no one can find me. Can you make that happen, or do I need to go out on my own?” I knew Derrick wasn’t letting me go, and if anyone knew how to do something creepy like that, it was him.

  “Damn, baby, we’re a match made in heaven,” Derrick said, chuckling like some lunatic, and I thought hell was a better definition of what our status was. “I’ll have some friends put us on the down low. I’m owed lots of favors.” He was happy while I was living in purgatory. Sadistic, crazy, son of a whore. How I longed to throw all those words in his face! Instead, I just shrugged.

  “Good. We need to leave the hotel now. Brock’s going to think you have something to do with this when he can’t find me, and I forgot to leave a note.” I walked over to the closet and saw Derrick’s suitcase, and without another thought I started packing for him. “I need to buy new clothes,” I said. “I was in such a hurry to get out that I left all mine there.” At least that part was the truth.

  “I’ll make phone calls on the way, so you drive.” Derrick helped me pack up his things, and before an hour was up we were driving out of the town I’d fallen in love with, among other things. I refused to cry in front of him. If he had any idea I was doing this to protect Jeremy, there was no doubt in my mind he’d use it against me. I turned inside myself, feeling like a woman I didn’t want to ever see in the mirror again.

  Thankfully Derrick was busy yelling at his contacts instead of me. I might have to live with this man, but he was never going to raise his voice to me again. Not that any of it mattered. I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel anything after what I’d done. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how right the thing is, you can’t swallow it down without it leaving a nasty taste in your mouth.

  I worried about the little man. He’d lost his mom, and now he was losing me. Logically I knew Jeremy was a baby and would deal with this much better than an older child, but there was still concern. Brock was a grown man, so he’d have rage at my betrayal instead of worrying about feelings of love, which should have made me feel better. It didn’t. For long hours, my mind went over everything as I drove. When the pain of everything was too much, I focused on taking car
e of the major issues like making sure Brock got custody and Derrick could never touch Jeremy again.

  I called the lawyer and explained there was a family emergency that required my immediate attention, and I said was leaving Jeremy with Brock. The lawyer told me there was no real need for concern because the test results had arrived, and Brock was Jeremy’s biological parent. At least that was one piece of the resolution. After hanging up, I somehow calmly told Derrick we didn’t have to worry about leaving town because everything was almost legal.

  Derrick agreed to speak with his lawyer as soon as possible to sign over any rights, then went on to talk about the wonderful life he had planned for us. Our idea of great was completely different. My business degree and his illegal investments would be used to make us wealthy. It was so deceitful that I was shocked even a piece of slime like him could come up with it. How could I be part of something like that? I made some comments about working out the details to keep him appeased, but I wasn’t going to destroy my career before it even began. More things to worry about.

  What choice did I have in any of this? I knew what kind of man I was choosing, even if he wasn’t what I wanted. Death was seeming like a better option than living this life with Derrick. Pathetic! I wasn’t the type of person to be destroyed by this or anything else. I’d find a way out of this if it killed me. It had already killed my sister, so that option wasn’t to be overlooked. I hadn’t prayed in a long time, but I found myself sending up a silent one now.

  It wasn’t without some irony that I understood what people were talking about when they said eventually everyone turns to God. Of course, those people were Christians, and I’d never understood the appeal of devoting my life that way. I had friends from all walks of life and different religions, so I didn’t discriminate, but it wasn’t for me.

  I considered myself agnostic for the most part, although my father demanded my sister and I attend church. In all honesty, it was more about social standing for him. I was willing to bet on anything at this point, though. I promised if God got me through this, I would give my soul over to Him. He was much better than the demon I was giving it to now. Probably not the best way to get on God’s good side, but I was desperate.

  I was dead on my feet by the time we finally arrived in Chicago. It was second nature to drive here instead of Derrick’s house, but he wasn’t pleased. “What the fuck, Dana? I’ve got things to put in place, and all my shit is at the condo.”

  “I told you, I left all my things in Texas. Why don’t you take the car back and we can meet up later? Besides, I’m not living with you until we’re married.” The words just slipped out of my mouth, but it was the best way to buy myself some time to figure a way out of this mess. I knew I couldn’t go back to the ranch, but there had to be a way to make Derrick hate me so much he didn’t want me anymore.

  “So you’ll sleep with the dirty-ass cowboy but not me?”

  I forgot for a moment I was dealing with a psychopath. How was I going to get out of this?

  “You came up with the conclusion that we slept together, I’m saving myself for marriage,” I replied. I had no idea what Danielle had told him about me, but for the first time I hoped she’d mentioned that. Not that I was waiting for marriage, because I was just waiting to get my career started, but anything she might have said to that effect would be helpful.

  “I did, didn’t I?” Derrick chuckled like he was happy about the situation, and to his convoluted mind, I’m sure he was. “Danielle said you were holding out. I must admit, fucking you first turns me on more than you know. I bet that pussy of yours is the tightest I’ve ever had.” Sick, masochistic, bastard!

  “Could you please not talk about it that way?” I cringed, losing some of the false character I’d built up in his eyes, I’m sure.

  “Sure, sure, baby. I’ll teach you how to talk dirty in the sack later. Go wash that country stink off, and I’ll call you tomorrow morning. I’ve got a ton of meetings to set up and plans that need to be made.” He leaned in and kissed me quickly on the lips, and I applauded myself for not gagging. Thankfully he left after that, and I stood there staring at the door, wondering what to do. I was so completely lost. My body was still a little sore, which reminded me of my lovemaking with Brock. And my heart? It was torn to shreds.

  When I managed to move, I made it to the couch where Danielle and I had watched television together as kids and wept. I’d turned my cell phone off after making the call to the lawyer, knowing I didn’t have the strength to hear Brock’s voice yet. Had he figured it out? Was he worried about me? Would he ever forgive me? So many questions were swimming in my mind, and I felt like I was drowning in sorrow. I curled up on the sofa and allowed all that pain to consume me. I wished I never had to wake up and face the real world again.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Wreck

  Brock

  Waking up expecting to be holding the woman I loved in my arms, and instead seeing only the indention in the pillow where her head had been, had me jumping out of bed. Jeremy was playing happily in his crib, and it’s the only reason I didn’t grab Dana from wherever she was hiding out and bring her back. With the little man up, the things I wanted to do with her would have to wait until later, but a good morning kiss was mandatory.

  Making love to Dana had been like coming home, and even as I went through the menial task of making up the bed and then changing Jeremy’s diaper, which was fully loaded, I wanted more of the same. I headed downstairs with him on my hip, babbling baby nonsense happily, and I was grinning ear to ear. Dana wasn’t anywhere to be found. I opened the front door to see her car gone and tried not to lose my composure. Dana wouldn’t have left the land with her fear of Derrick stalking on her mind. Something was incredibly wrong! Maybe she’d driven over to my mother’s. That had to be it. I placed a quick call to Mom. Trying not to worry her, I told her Dana was probably checking out the cottage again. I knew better.

  I called her cell, but it went straight to voice mail. That took all the calm I had tried to keep and threw it off the front porch. I dialed Travis and screamed in his ear until Jeremy started crying and I remembered I had more than myself to think about. After demanding Travis get over here, I calmed the baby down and tried to follow his morning routine without losing my mind.

  When the phone rang, I picked it up while feeding Little Man, feeling my entire world shatter. My paternity being validated was a small solace compared to the fact that Dana had called to tell the lawyer she was leaving to take care of family business. Since I knew she was all alone now. My heart knew before my mind accepted where she’d gone. I didn’t want to believe it, but nothing else made sense.

  Rage filled me so intently that I had to stand up and walk away from my child to get in the right frame of mind. How could I have been such an idiot? Dana had told me that Derrick was crazy and that she was worried, and I’d blown it off, being all alpha male, telling her I could handle things. She should have trusted me, but I knew that’s not what had happened at all.

  I wanted to hate her for the action, but how could I do that when my heart was so full of love for her that it made me want to give up everything to bring her home? She’d decided to sacrifice herself for this family. What a stubborn, crazy-ass woman! That sure as hell wasn’t going to stand. That piece of shit Derrick had crossed a line, and he was going to pay for daring to touch what was mine.

  Travis found me standing in the kitchen with my hands balled into fists, and the tick of my jaw should have told him that I was going to fly off on the first sonofabitch who spoke.

  Apparently it did, because he moved over to Jeremy and finished feeding him, then cleaned off Jeremy’s little hands and face. “Mom’s on the way over. When you calm down, come into the living room so we can talk.” Travis’s voice didn’t hold that older brother ego that usually came out when we were testing each other. For that I was thankful.

  Jeremy seemed happy as punch to be hanging out with Travis, and I was glad, because when h
e realized his aunt was gone, I worried he’d be inconsolable. I felt that way right now, even though anger was taking the front seat of my emotions. The only thing that truly calmed me down was knowing I was getting her back. If I didn’t, something horrible would happen to Dana.

  I joined my brother. My mom walked through the door and quickly took Jeremy out on the porch. With her motherly instincts, she could read the tension in the room. Later I’d be grateful, but right now I wanted to kill something or someone with as much pain as I could offer.

  “She bailed. I knew she was afraid, but I never thought she’d sacrifice herself this way,” I told Travis. Why hadn’t I thought about that? From her history it was evident that she’d do anything for a person she loved. Even drive halfway across the country to bring a kid to a father who might not even want him. It was so in line with her character that I’d been a fool to miss the signs. Not that I’d missed anything. I’d just taken it upon myself to think she was the type of woman to trust anyone to know better than she did.

  “Before you fly off and do something stupid, remember there’s a little boy out there who’s counting on you to take care of him.” Travis knew me well. Too damn well. I wanted that bastard’s head mounted on my wall right beside the two deer heads, and as sick as it made me to think about committing a mortal sin like that, I wasn’t sure I would be able to stop myself. I’d never hated a person so much in my entire life!

  “What the hell do you expect me to do, stand around and hope she comes back?” I asked. “If she thinks she’s saving us, then nothing short of Armageddon would bring her back!” I might be starting it myself if I didn’t cool my hot head a damn minute.

  “You have to accept the possibility that this is what she planned the entire time.”

  That was the worst thing Travis could have said. Ever!

  “I mean her, sister did weasel you out of money, and they are related.”